He was the best I ever had. Everything I ever wanted. I’d met him in freshman year at college; he was a senior leader, I was pageant queen.
The boys had always loved me, but he wasn’t just like any other boy. There was always something special about him that made him even better than some of the Christians I knew – very loving and selfless. He was patient. He was kind.
Everyone in school said we were perfect together. And we were. Just that he didn’t love Jesus like I did, and as much as I tried to argue with my conscience, I knew deep down that to choose him despite of my faith was wrong.
Many of my friends also asked me what was the matter – why would a good God not allow two people in love to be together? I didn’t understand what being unequally yoked meant then, to me it just meant we couldn’t officially be a couple.
We were caught in a dance that wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t be with him, but he couldn’t be without me. The guilt I carried around from staying in the ambiguity and sinfulness of our relationship was enormous. I’d stay over in his dorm one day and go to the church the next.
But every time I tried to break up, it broke him. He’d built so much of his life around me. I felt horrible, seeing him cry. I couldn’t walk away.
We were in trouble.
Breaking up was the hardest thing to do, but I knew we had to stop. The third time I told him we could no longer see each other, I was in for the trial of my life. The first few days were the worst. But telling myself no again and again got easier over time.
One night, I was aching to go back to him and reconcile, so I called my cell leader for help. All she said was “It’s okay, go to sleep”. The next morning when I woke up, it felt like a mini-victory. Every other night I felt the same way, I did what she said. I went to sleep.
And one day, it wasn’t so hard anymore.
A month after our final break up, he started seeing someone else. At first I was bitter. God, I gave him up for you, and now you leave me with nothing? But He did have something to give me through this – a brand new heart.
I started to see that I was holding on so tightly to this person because I thought he was the perfect partner. But God was saying, if you trust me enough to let go of your ideas, I will be your perfect partner, I will make you the perfect partner, and I will send you the perfect partner.
There were times I still wondered if I’d made the right decision. Did we really have to break up? Why couldn’t the Holy Spirit have led him to faith earlier? But this is truly letting go and putting things in God’s hands: We no longer have to understand everything to move on.
And even when we are blinded by what we want to see – by the outcomes we want so badly in the here and now – He is patient; He is kind.
The author’s name has been changed for confidentiality.