I wanted to end it all: Ah Boys to Men actor Charlie Goh
Charlie Goh // March 26, 2019, 11:19 am
I was down with dengue fever in 2016. It was a painful time as I was hospitalised for 7 days.
I was suffering, so I didn’t care and just took it out on everybody else. I can’t remember exactly what I said. I probably said mean things and behaved like a monster.
It hurt the people around me badly, but I wasn’t aware of it.
One day after I recovered, I received an email from my mum. A very, very long email. I read the first 20 words and felt dizzy.
My parents were both very hurt by my actions and the son I’ve been for the past 26 years. I didn’t even know what I was feeling at that point in time. Sadness? Anger? Disappointment?
I remembered thinking: If this is the kind of son I am to my parents, why am I still living? What’s the point of living when you’re making everybody around you so miserable?
So I actually thought of just ending it all.
I went back to my grandmother’s place and didn’t know what to do.
I’ll be really honest: I don’t read the Bible very often as I don’t have the discipline to do it. But that particular night, I took the Bible, I prayed and I read.
As I read, I felt a bit more lifted. So I texted my mum and said: “Can we talk about this?” Then I prayed before I went home. I said: “God, help me.”
When I met my parents, I was so calm. Normally, I would raise my voice when I was agitated. But that day I didn’t raise my voice.
I just heard them out and listened to what they wanted to say to me. I knew that I didn’t do well as a son.
Looking back, I realised that at that point in time I was actually condemning myself. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was ashamed. That was why I thought that maybe I should just end it all.
The important thing I want to share is that there are times in life when you’re going to feel like that – because of what you’ve done, because of how you’ve messed up in life.
But God always forgives. If I didn’t have God at that point in time, I’d probably wouldn’t even be here today.
So learn to forgive yourself and learn to forgive others. Because God is a God of second chances.
This article was adapted from Charlie Goh’s testimony, which was first published on the Celebration of Hope’s Facebook page. Have you been searching for hope? Find hope at the Celebration of Hope, running from May 17 to 19, 2019 at the National Stadium. Download the Celebration of Hope app to chope your tickets.