Culture

Am I worthy of love?

Weiren David Ong // August 17, 2017, 1:50 pm

Self worth

“Some things are loved because they are worthy; some things are worthy because they are loved.”

For quite a while now, I have been struggling with self-worth. It has been quite the sneaky little bugger – it doesn’t come at you head-on, but instead stalks you, nibbles at you.

In moments of solitude, when you are left alone with your thoughts, it yanks you and whispers into your ear: “Are you sure you are loved? How do you know for sure?”

When you flick the light switch and nestle into bed to sleep, it whispers yet again in the darkness: “You’re not good enough. For him. For her. For anyone.”

We were all loved while we were far from being worthy of it.

This insecurity is a snare. It makes me so needy for affirmation that even a single whiff of affection will reel me in by the nose. That’s just not healthy.

“For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” (Jeremiah 2:13)

Insecurity and the sense of lacking in worth drives a person to hew hard. You’ll resort to smashing through rocks just to cradle and savour a small sense of acceptance – even if it never lasts, or if it’s just an illusion.

It happens over and over again. It’s just so tiring. I know that it gets me nowhere, yet I get suckered time and again. Then the mirage fades – and what am I really left with?

What I’ve learnt is that love is build upon trust, and trust is forged by experience. The best place to start is from a reference point which is unchanging: God.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

We were all loved while we were far from being worthy of it.

I want to return to my Fount and be restored. To understand that my worth is not the pre-requisite to being loved, but that the converse is true: That it is being loved that actually gives me my worth.