A confession: I was not the prophet I claimed I was
Judah Koh // August 16, 2018, 5:30 pm
I was part of something that I’m now remorseful about. It took me a long time to realise the impact my words and actions had on others. Today, I lay myself bare with a humble confession and a sincere seeking of forgiveness.
I am sorry. Really.
I had been a Christian for about 3 years when began to I embrace the supernatural movement. Keen and eager to jump on the bandwagon to feed my self-serving fame and sense of importance, I quickly learnt the trick – I pretended to be a miracle worker.
In those days, treasure hunts and fire tunnels were the norm, and a vision “downloaded” from God was a given for any prayer meeting. From church to church, I wore my newly-discovered spiritual identity and boldness on my sleeves as I preached.
I never saw how the miracles I performed were under the guise of pride.
My messages generally sounded like this: “I am at the forefront of the movement, help these sceptics and dense people who could not hear, see, nor know, and are unwilling to step out. Help them! They need help!”
It was fun and I thought I was cool. Most of all, it built up my confidence – especially when I misused verses like “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and “In the last days, old men will dream dreams and young men will see visions” to feed my ego (Philippians 4:13, Acts 2:17).
I never saw how the miracles I performed were under the guise of pride. I reasoned to myself, if a man who split the Red Sea could describe himself as humble (Numbers 12:3), why couldn’t I? I even professed myself to be one of the upcoming spiritual giants! That was the audacity of my claims back then.
I had no shame.
I eventually stopped what I was doing because I saw how my posture was not Biblical. I was twisting Scripture to justify my actions. While I still believe that miracles can happen, I knew I needed to be re-grounded back in the Word.
So I left my past behind. I thought my heart was being made right and I could just move on and things would be fine.
But they are not.
In my days of deception five years ago, I had told someone that I saw an angel while ministering to him. Recently, someone who had been there asked me if I had indeed seen an angel.
When confronted, my mind raced through how to get myself out of the sticky situation. I could lie or I could divert the attention by making up excuses. But I did not want to hide anymore, and so I came clean. I just had to.
“I did not see an angel.”
When I prophesied, I think I led myself to believe that what I was saying was true. I felt that impulsive need to say whatever that comes to mind. Isn’t this considered good stewardship? To pass on the prophecy, by faith?
But what I didn’t know then was how it left so many doubts in people’s minds when they heard what I said. Because it led them to question themselves: “Why can’t I hear God like him, or see visions like him? Doesn’t God care or does He love me less?”
It was more important that I preserved the facade of my “greatness” than to consider the needs of those I thought I was ministering to. It was all done in self-interest.
I thought things would be fine if I just stopped participating in those activities but I was wrong. I need something more.
If I have stumbled you in your faith journey, I need your forgiveness.
People have been healed not because I have a gift of healing, but because He is a Healer.
So today, I want to make that confession and make things right. I had not seen what I claimed to have seen. I did not hear what I said I did. It was exciting and fun for a moment, but I do not want to live merry and then die irresponsibly.
I hope you will forgive me, and ask that I get to make things right again.
God is a good God and I return all glory to Him for all the good that He has done.
I want to be clear that I still believe in signs and wonders. Miracles. But I’ve come to a realisation that it’s not about the miracle-working man, but the God of miracles.
People have been healed not because I have a gift of healing, but because He is a Healer and He demonstrates compassion and mercy to those whom He loves. God speaks and nudges not because I have the gift of vision or prophecy, but because He is a God who listens and answers prayers, and He will guide and be found by those who seek Him with all their hearts.
Even when things do not happen according to my prayers, God continues to be good. Like Daniel’s friends, I pledge my commitment toward the one and only God even if He doesn’t do what I want.
“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18)
This lesson has been painful yet precious to me. Painful because I came to the realisation that I have played a part in stumbling the faith of my brothers and sisters in Christ; precious because I experienced how great God’s grace is to me through the assurance of my salvation despite what I’d done (1 John 1:9).
I want to make things right today. I confess that I’d been a fluke. I do not need to perform signs and wonders to boost my ego. I want to come clean to say that God alone suffices for me.
I hope you’ll forgive me.