Relationships

I thought I’d found The One

Jose S. // February 11, 2019, 2:23 pm

Dear brokenhearted ones, you are not alone

“I thought he liked you all along!” My friend exclaimed over the phone while I sobbed quietly on the other side amidst the packets of tissue.

Almost a year before this, I revealed to this same friend that I’d been talking to a guy and that we’d hit it off well. I thought he was The One and that our feelings for each other were mutual. I could even foresee a future for us.

But as you can guess, things didn’t turn out my way. The feelings weren’t mutual after all, and I was soon left to nurse an open wound alone – the beginning of this painful and detestable process called unrequited love.

Waiting for the lights to change: My unrequited love

However, though nursing an unrequited love may seem torturous and alone, I learnt that it’s also a process of healing and recognising that there is more to life than being in a romantic relationship. This is a season of learning about yourself, learning what you desire (and don’t desire) in a life partner, and what you could have done better to guard your heart.

It was only through this healing season that God surfaced many selfish desires in me, especially towards the one I saw as my significant other. He pointed out root issues in my heart and urged me to grow in them before inviting someone to journey with me for the rest of my life.

It was this season that led me to set my mind on Kingdom matters and live with undivided devotion to the Lord. It was God who opened up my eyes to see the limitless opportunities that I could be a part of because I was single, and the joy I could have in serving Him wholeheartedly.

Where is God in my heartbreak?

Dear friends, we can get so caught up with thoughts such as “What if I can’t find someone like him/her again?”, “What if I never get married!” or even “Why doesn’t he/she like me?” – but may I point you to verses I meditated on during that season of heartbreak.

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:3-4 NKJV)

As I meditated on these verses, the very real fears in my heart were slowly replaced with a conscious delight in the character of God. Could I trust Him with my life and everything in it? Yes! And I found peace knowing that He doesn’t run on my schedule – or any human’s – but that He makes everything beautiful in His time – in His way (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

As I learnt to put aside my eager desires and refocus my eyes on Jesus, I began to truly trust that God works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

For those of you who are also single, instead of worrying and moping about in sadness, this could be a season for you to realign your heart: To continue simply trusting in God and His goodness, and trusting that this season of singleness can build your foundation in Christ.

Do you dare to pray for the desires of your heart?

I also took away something practical from this episode: As brothers and sisters in Christ, it’s important to watch our actions and words as we interact with each other so as to avoid giving out wrong signals, especially to fellow singles.

Of course, on our part, it’s also crucial to guard our hearts by not jumping to conclusions and misreading another’s intentions. Assumption is an accepted truth without proof, so it’s best not to assume that one party has feelings for you if there has been no confirmation.

It’s important to watch our actions and words as we interact with each other so as to avoid giving out wrong signals, especially to fellow singles.

As someone whose love languages are words and quality time, compliments from the opposite gender tend to make me feel very good about myself, so I usually read too much into it. Also, spending an extended amount of time with the opposite gender kindles feelings of tenderness because of the time invested in our friendship.

My mentor once advised that “intimacy + frequency = emotional attachment” and it is very true! To avoid unnecessary emotional attachment, I decided that I needed to be watchful over my actions and words with the opposite gender, and avoid spending too much time alone with them.

For me, this meant no more late night texting, no more frequent and unnecessary meetups and hangouts – and above all humbly keeping myself (and my heart) accountable to my mentor and God.

A letter to my past brokenhearted self

For those who have had their hearts broken recently, surrender your heart to God. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). Those who have been hurt are specially placed in God’s care. Commit your broken heart to God and let Him heal you, because only God can heal what He created.

Lastly, hide your heart deep within God, so that the man or woman who wishes to have it will have to seek Him for you. It might be a long journey for many of us, but know that as we choose to build our foundation well as singles, we are built to last.