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Faith

Being bullied ruined my life, but I found a way out

by Natalie Tay | 15 October 2018, 4:15 PM

My family is a very traditional Chinese family with staunch religious beliefs. So though I’ve wanted to come to church since I was 5 years old, I was not allowed to do so.

When I was in primary school, I was introduced to what I felt was a nightmare. I was bullied physically, emotionally and verbally. And it wasn’t just one mean girl saying a few childish things about me – I was bullied by my entire class from when I was about 10 years old.

Coming from a class of rich and smart students, there was a hierarchy. I just happened to not be a part of the popular gang. I was bullied verbally: they would search up mean words from electronic dictionaries to label me with every day, like “slut”, “vixen”, “fat” and “spastic”.

They took my things and broke them, told me I shouldn’t eat or hide away my personal things, tore up the songs I wrote and made fun of my diary.

Whenever I tried to run and seek help, they would stop me by pulling me by the hair and telling me they’d stop … but they never did.

They told me to go and do everyone a favour and die. I didn’t, and I still don’t understand why I was treated that way.

They would “use” me when they needed me, but when they didn’t – I became irrelevant. Eventually, I thought that I was bullied because I was just me, and that it was my fault for being the way I was. My family put a high emphasis on grades and being in the best class, so being one of the worst students in class only damaged my self-esteem even further.

They told me to go and do everyone a favour and die.

Over time, this resulted in a few disorders. The eating disorder was the first. I hated my looks and my self-esteem plunged. I developed anxiety and depression from around the age of 11. I also had really bad insomnia, sleeping less than 4 hours on a regular basis.

I resorted to self-harm, cutting myself in hidden places like my hip to distract myself from the pain that I so desperately wanted to alleviate. I told no one about what I was doing, wanting to die more and more each day. I didn’t seek any help from anyone, not wanting to be even more of a problem or burden anymore.

I began to plan ways and means to kill myself. 

Life did get a bit better in secondary school: I wasn’t being bullied anymore, though I never really did fit in.

My negative mentality and poor self-image were already fixed in place. I was socially awkward, unable to talk to anyone properly without feeling judged or paranoid. I identified with the labels everyone had given me in primary school and was so used to hiding.

Just when I thought I was slowly getting over my eating disorder, something really bad happened. In secondary 2, I had a really bad anxiety attack in school after finding out I failed one of my papers. They had to send me to the hospital in an ambulance.

Because of this episode, my parents and my school finally found out about all my struggles. Everything came out and I was terrified. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies and an eating disorder. I could no longer engage in physical activity because I would hyperventilate every time I ran.

People would sneak in plastic knives to harm themselves and it was blatantly obvious that everyone there was driven by the desire to die.

I got even worse after the diagnoses. I was very, very suicidal and was put on constant watch because I overdosed on pills and self-harmed constantly – desperate to find outlets to escape.

I was then admitted into the hospital for about week in the psychiatric ward so doctors could watch me. Being in the psychiatric ward was a huge struggle for me and it seemed like a never-ending nightmare. They would take away simple items such as soap and toothpaste to ensure that no one would harm themselves. People would sneak in plastic knives to harm themselves and it was blatantly obvious that everyone there was driven by the desire to die.

In the psychiatric ward, all we did was talk about death and share about ways to die. I never got any better and I eventually simply aimed to get discharged as soon as possible instead of getting well because it felt like I was drowning.

My life only turned around when I first truly encountered Jesus.

After being discharged, there was one night when I got extremely suicidal. But in the throes of depression, I had this strange and clear urge to call my school’s house captain. I wasn’t very close to her and I had no reasons to call her, but I did anyway.

While I had never been one to talk about my struggles, I surprised myself by sharing about my struggles with her, telling her that I didn’t know what to do.

She happened to be with her cell group from church and she invited me to get to know more friends from the cell. I was super apprehensive when they added me into the cell group chat, anxious about everything – very skeptical about church. I didn’t believe anyone could really accept and love me.

I was certain that I’d end up ostracised, that even God couldn’t understand my pain.

… though life doesn’t get simpler, God makes a way for me.

Besides, I also highly doubted that my parents would allow me to go to church due to their religious beliefs. I turned out to be wrong about that.

My parents surprisingly allowed me to attend church, so 29 November 2014 was the day I first attended service at Faith Community Baptist Church (FCBC). There I experienced the tangible and amazing presence of God in worship. I broke down during the alter call, and it was then I knew that God was real.

God opened my heart and showed me true love and acceptance that day. That was the beginning of my healing as God started to become very real in my life.

It’s been four years since I’ve accepted Christ, and it has been the best decision of my life.

Life didn’t magically get easier, I still had my struggles in life. I made many mistakes and had my faith tested. But I can say this: though life doesn’t get simpler, God makes a way for me.

I no longer rely on any form of medication or go to the hospital for any treatment anymore. I was personally convicted to trust in God alone for healing, and He came through for me that way.

I struggle much less with anxiety and no longer feel suicidal or depressed all the time. I eat consistently now and I can do exercise – even joining a sports CCA in JC after not having done any physical activity for 3 years.

It isn’t that God makes problems go away. He can do that, but in my experience He transforms people in the process – He changed me as a person through my trials completely. I was someone who was used to fear every day, but now I’ve grown to see the good in life even when things get tough.

I can praise God in every situation and circumstance. I now know that my identity and worth come only from the Lord and that He makes things beautiful in His own time and in His own way. I’ve been blessed with a community in FCBC that truly supports me and I really am grateful to be given the life I have.

It’s been four years since I’ve accepted Christ, and it has been the best decision of my life.

The song I wrote, Guide Me, is about the fear, anxiety, depression and pain in my life that I struggled through. The lyrics reflect the goodness, grace and truth that I’ve come to see in God.

It’s a song that God gave to me, ministering to me when I was at my lowest point. I pray that as we all struggle, we’ll remember that God is sovereign and He is the same God in the good and the bad. We can truly get through everything and anything, not by our own strength, but by His. All Glory to God!

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10)


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I was obsessed with being self-sufficient

by Eunice Tan | 11 October 2018, 3:29 PM

I don’t know if I was born the independent type, but somewhere along the way I actively sought to develop the ability to take care of myself.

Having always dreamt of living alone, I looked to move out when I started a full-time job. Eventually, I left Singapore for the enigmatic, multi-faceted country of Japan without even first understanding the language and culture.

The freedom to choose what I want to do had always been something I delighted in, and I did not want anyone – maybe even God – to direct my path. This was despite having grown up in a Christian home, being a member of a biblically sound church and serving as a youth group leader.

While I still relish the flexibility and possibilities of my life here, I am now aware that it can come at a dangerous price: self-sufficiency.

Charles Spurgeon once warned, “Do not become self-sufficient. Self-sufficiency is Satan’s net where he catches men, like poor silly fish, and destroys them.”

I honed my self-sufficiency into an art. I established a fulfilling life in Japan, tackling all the legal, cultural and linguistic obstacles a foreigner has to face here. And in my limited Japanese, I did it all by myself – refusing to ask for any help.

I took careful measures to avoid developing complacency (one of the pitfalls of foreigners teaching English in Japan) and once, even laughably refused repeated offers of help from my friends to assemble a semi-double bed from IKEA.

So much pride. So self-sufficient. And just like that, I joined the ranks of Adam’s Eve and Austen’s Emma, set to confront my humanity.

If my life was a car on a journey, God was still in the driving seat, but I was expending all my energy trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.

Four things happened in dizzying succession immediately after this year’s CNY celebrations.

  • My dad’s health suffered which stopped him from working.
  • I needed help in writing my dissertation but could not get it.
  • Relationship matters struck …
  • My body joined the party – insomnia meant I only got 4 hours of fitful sleep each night.

Trying to tire myself out in the day just piled on the stress. Worry, frustration and sadness kept my brain awake for hours on end.

I was still going to church, still praying and still thinking my life was aligned to His will. If my life was a car on a journey, God was still in the driving seat, but I was expending all my energy trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.

The day after I handed in my dissertation, my friends (who live in faraway prefectures) turned up on my doorstep excitedly thinking they could surprise me, then hang out together to help me get over the post-dissertation stress.

When I opened the door and saw them, I started crying messily, uglily and without restraint. Stretched so thin mentally, emotionally and physically, I broke when faced with God’s love in the form of my friends’ surprise care package.

I was self-sufficient up to a point – and then I was not. When God wants your attention, He gets your attention.

My friends let me sob and share everything I had been going through as they made me a cup of coffee. That day, I learnt the consolatory magic that happens when love meets vulnerability.

God broke the proud person that I was. But He also put me back together again as a new and humbler person – someone who is ready to serve Him.

Now I am ready and willing to listen and help others, and less quick to offer glib answers to those who are hurting. Because I understand suffering more now – I have become more human in that way.

So God placed healing in my path, making sure it was through others this time. No more of that self-sufficiency stuff for me. Healing started simply, and progressed into something so wondrous I can barely move sometimes – so enveloped am I in His mercy.

 

Over the next few months, I read the Bible more and more, listened to sermons, and found opportunities to serve in church and pray with others. I learnt that there is comfort in giving up control to God. There’s peace – not fear – in being vulnerable and asking for help.

Ecclesiastes 6:9 was an anchor verse that helped me align my will with God’s: “Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of desire. This also is vanity and grasping for the wind.”

I focused on enjoying the scenery of the roads God drove along, and stopped thinking of where I wanted myself to go. I concentrated on doing my work well. Served in church. Savoured the time spent with friends.

Gears switched, and we cruised along. Basking in the sunshine of God’s company, I believe He was probably happy that his passenger had finally stopped being a backseat driver.

I tapped into a true Sabbath rest and spent time with God, because when you love someone you want to spend time with that person. And God shows us the way to move forward when we spend time with Him.

For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it….” 1 Peter 3:10-11 (NKJV)

I sought peace and pursued it.

I actively prayed for peace, looked for it in the Bible, in others’ testimonies and in my daily experiences. I challenged myself to pursue peace no matter what happened in life. Every negative or positive thing that happens is an opportunity to develop discipline and peace. And so even the agony of sleepless nights turned into opportunities for remembering others in prayer.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3, NKJV)

The most recent part of my healing process has come in the form of both passive and active actions. While I trust in God and wait on His direction, I do the good I know how to.

I wonder if Spurgeon envisioned self-sufficiency as a net not only because it enables Satan to ensnare us, but also because it prevents us from reaching out to take hold of God’s promises and “feed on His faithfulness”. It stops us from seeking out ways to depend on God.

I’m looking to never get caught in this net of self-sufficiency again, and through His grace, I might actually be able to steer clear of it.

Whatever happens next, I am buckled in and ready. Wherever God is driving me to, I’m down for the ride.

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Don’t waste your time in university

by June Ong | 10 October 2018, 2:27 PM

For many of us, university is the first real chance to decide how we want to live our lives.

As young adults, we are suddenly presented with opportunities to make decisions by ourselves. What modules should I take? Which internship should I go for? Which CCA should I join?

And as Christians, we know that our decisions should bring us towards fulfilling God’s calling and purposes for us. However, many of us get caught up in life, and find ourselves swaying from the path God has called us to.

Before I began university, I told God that I would dedicate my time in university to serving Him and advancing His Kingdom in my school.

Because God had given me a vision of revival before university, I started school as this hopeful and enthusiastic Christian ready to proclaim the Gospel. But when I participated in my hall’s FOC (Freshman Orientation Camp) and captured a glimpse of life there, I was culture-shocked. I felt torn between my faith and hall life.

I identified as a Christian but found myself swaying from time to time. For 2 years of my university life, I was an active hall resident. I received favour and affirmation constantly, I also held several leadership positions. I was enjoying the recognition and affirmation so much that I completely forgot about my promise to God and the vision that had captured my heart before university.

I even found myself drifting from my spiritual community, losing the most stable source of support and godly guidance I had. But the affirmation I derived from hall life continued to increase as I poured everything I had into it.

I felt like an Esther who had ignored the state of her people, who continued to enjoy the luxuries given to her.

At the end of my 2 years, I attended my church’s camp for university students.

My pastor shared the story of Esther: a young woman who was put into an influential position “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14). Esther risked everything she had – even her life – to save her people.

And what about me? I felt like an Esther who had ignored the state of her people, who continued to enjoy the luxuries given to her. In that camp, God reminded me of the commitment that I made to Him.

He set a new fire in my heart for the harvest field of my campus.

There are many things we can learn from Esther. First, Esther was aware of God’s plan for her.

“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to the royal palace for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14)

God granted her divine favour and orchestrated her circumstances so that she would be put in a high position. That meant Esther could use her position to advocate for her people.

Many of us are in influential positions because of divine favour and empowerment from God. It is especially important for us to recognise that, and realise why God put us there.

Second, Esther prayed and fasted together with a godly community.

“Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do.” (Esther 4:16a)

Many of us have underestimated and neglected this discipline of praying and fasting. However, there are many examples of how God moved after the people prayed and fasted. Doing it together with a godly community helps to build faith and unity. By praying and fasting, Esther and the Jews were opening doors for God to move.

Lastly, Esther stood with courage: “When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” (Esther 4:16b)

This was the true mark of Esther’s love for God and her people. She was willing to speak against her king to save her people – even willing to die.

I know many Christians out there who are struggling with what they want and what God wants.

They struggle with what makes them happy and what makes God happy. Many of us are in influential positions because of divine favour and empowerment from God. It is especially important for us to recognise that, and realise why God put us there.

Life is not about us. As Christians we will have to run against the wind, speak out against popular opinions and be in a positions of discomfort. But we must never sit back and relax while our generation drifts further and further away from God.

I personally do not know what God has in store for you, but what I do know is that affirmation that comes from God is infinitely better than the world’s affirmation.

I know that hearing “good and faithful servant” from the One who created me, is far more rewarding than hearing a worldly compliment. God will not shortchange us when we choose to glorify and honour Him.

This is a call to all the Esthers out there who have been placed in a position for a time such as this – to rise up and declare God’s love over our generation.

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This is our God, the Servant King

by Alarice Hong, Awaken Generation | 10 October 2018, 1:11 PM

Traded heaven for humanity
Our God eternal who became a man
Who is this God who’d exchange His life?
For the beggar and the dead

I was sitting at my piano one day and playing around with some chords. The phrase “traded heaven for humanity” came to me and that helped in setting the direction for the song I was writing.

As I progressed to coming up with a chorus for the song I had in mind, “this is our God, the Servant King” emerged. This cemented the anthemic sound of the song that I was going for, and it was so clear that I could hear the drumbeat of it.

This is our God, the Servant King
Nailed to the cross but rose again in victory
This is our God, King Jesus
Lamb who was slain, exalted now forever

The verses of the song reflected my own personal Biblical revelation of the paradox of Christ – that He was both a servant and a king. There is actually an old and amazing hymn that is also entitled “The Servant King” so it was encouraging for me to put a modern spin on this compelling concept as well.

King of Heaven humbled to a cross
He knew no sin yet He bore the world’s
Who is this God, who would save my life?
And wash me clean by His blood

And what makes it compelling is the immense contrast that is embedded within – He who is holy and almighty was willing to become a bondservant to serve humanity as the Messiah (Philippians 2:5-8); Jesus washed the feet of His disciples (John 13:1-17). And in that humanity, He gave them and us freedom from any worldly bondage (John 8:36).

The veil was torn at His final breath
And the tomb could not contain His pow’r
Who is this God who defeated death?
He is risen from the grave

Another phrase that reflected this contrast, “God eternal became a man” came in very early in the development of the song. And that encapsulates the audacity of Christ and the gospel, that He willingly became mortal and suffered the extremes of human suffering all because of and for love.

I would give my life
For the cause of Christ
To love like you loved and
To serve like you served

The bridge of the song than moves into a personal response from us as worshippers, a cry from which each of us. I’m imagining this song as a congregational piece as well. A.W. Tozer has a beautiful quote which comes to mind when I think the transformational power corporate worship has to individual worship.

“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshippers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become ‘unity’ conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”

So as each individual within the congregation declares their desire to be more like Christ, that actually ties them even closer as a community. And that will be how the church is strengthened with each of its members desiring to be servant leaders, simply because their eyes are fixed on the true Servant King.


“Servant King” is a song from Awaken Generation‘s latest album, “Our Light Has Come”, which will be released on October 11, 2018, on all major music platforms.

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Why am I even praying?

by Eugene Tan | 9 October 2018, 4:17 PM

It wasn’t until recently when I started to examine the things I do as a Christian and question why I actually do them.

One of the things that came to my attention was prayer. I was reminded of the times where Christian friends at a Christian gathering would go orh-hor (Singlish word indicating someone’s in trouble) whenever someone forgot to pray before eating. Or when the last person to get ready before a meal would be “sabotaged” as the one who would have to say grace for the meal.

Why do we do that? Shouldn’t prayer be a privilege – an undeserved gift from a loving God? Well, I guess I’m in no position to pass any judgement because I’m equally guilty of what is more pedantically known as “stock prayers“.

I would define stock prayers as prayers we say that have become part of a routine. For example, prayers before bedtime or prayers before meals. Praying has become so much of a must-do in a Christian’s life that it has turned into what I would describe as a mistreated, or mishandled gift.

Not only that, our prayers can also be pretentious and showy.

Often times, we just want to get prayer over with as quickly as possible by saying a hasty line or two to assure ourselves that we have prayed. This was what writer Gabriel Ong from Thir.st described as the trap of “(going) from petitioning prayer to mindless mumbling.”

What then does the Bible tell us about the way we should pray?

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.

But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. 

And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their manwy words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:5-8)

“ ‘…Do not heap up empty phrases.’ Somewhere along the way, I had lost the plot. I had become one of the Gentiles Jesus was warning about — heaping up phrases not as though talking to an actual Person, but repeating them like magic words. The more the better”, Gabriel wrote.

I cannot agree more. Many times my prayers have been phrased in a way they make me seem eloquent, even like a “holy Christian”. But I knew in my deep in my heart that my attitude towards prayer was not right. Sincerity was not there. Connection was not present either.

He desires to hear from us and speak to us. But a relationship cannot be built up without communication.

God has called all of us into a true, authentic love relationship with Him. He desires to hear from us and speak to us. But a relationship cannot be built up without communication. Prayer is but a platform God has given us to communicate with Him. The hard truth is that hasty and slipshod prayers are not going to bring us any closer to God.

So I resolved to change the way I prayed awhile ago, and since then I’ve never found praying to be so fulfilling. Here are some of the practical steps I took. I hope they can make your prayer life more meaningful and intimate too.

PRACTICAL STEPS FOR SINCERE PRAYER

1. Find your secret place.

Having a secret place helps. Kneel, sit on the floor, lie prostrate, raise your hands, sing a new song – the secret place should be a place where you can get comfortable and be yourself.

Pray in a place where there are no distractions. I’m not saying you can’t talk to God on the bus on your way home (pray without ceasing!), but it is true that God can do so much more when you honour Him with your full attention.

2. Say your prayers like you mean them.

Treat your prayers like a heart-to-heart conversation. Pray anything! If you don’t feel God at all, simply tell Him honestly that you don’t feel Him right now – but press in for intimacy anyway!

Start praying with any amount of faith that you have. Believe that prayer works. Ask for faith if you have none. If you’re mad, tell Him. If you’re ashamed, guilty confused, afraid or doubtful – tell Him. He can handle that. He is understanding, patient, gracious.

He loves you. You’ll soon find you’ll want to talk to Him because He’s actually pretty awesome to talk to.

3. Take your time – as much as you need.

Don’t rush through your prayers! When you’ve really run out of things to pray, be still and silent, take time to receive from God. He still desires and enjoys your company even when you’ve run out of things to tell Him. I believe that you’ll start to enjoy His company a lot more too!


This article was first published on Eugene’s blog and is republished with permission.

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Being bullied ruined my life, but I found a way out

I was obsessed with being self-sufficient

The Valley

Don’t waste your time in university

This is our God, the Servant King

Why am I even praying?